I'm a few months away from being 34. Although I am tempted to lie and say I am still 29, it's really not that big of a deal. I do, however, need to lay down some rules when it comes to mid-thirties fashion. Y'all ready for this?

Here's a list of the 30 things women over 30 should never wear:

  1. Crocs
  2. Robes cursed by angry wizards
  3. Raccoon caps (doubly true if the raccoon is still alive)
  4. Trash bags
  5. Anything with flu germs on it
  6. Disappointment over a man's opinion
  7. Licorice as jewelry
  8. A necklace fashioned from the tape part of a VHS (although on the second thought, that sounds kinda cool)
  9. Wasabi as eyeshadow
  10. Sunscreen with an SPF of less than 30
  11. A hat fashioned from pot roast scraps
  12. Glass slippers (highly impractical)
  13. Dead goldfish earrings
  14. Someone else's dirty underwear
  15. Underwire bras with broken wires (it feels like you're being constantly stabbed and it is TORTURE)
  16. Poison Ivy flower crowns
  17. Heavy coats in deserts
  18. Papercuts
  19. Whipped cream bikinis (I don't care what you saw on Varsity Blues; it's really uncomfortable)
  20. Saran Wrap face masks
  21. A Halloween costume to a funeral (unless it's a clown funeral, in which case all bets are off)
  22. Haunted dolls in Baby Bjorns
  23. The blood of your enemies (still technically illegal)
  24. All black when using chlorine bleach
  25. A scarlet "A" in divorce court (nevermind; that would be hilarious)
  26. Honey-smeared skin before walking over a fire ant hill
  27. Bees
  28. Mom jeans-- j/k they are hella comfortable
  29. Literal bear claws
  30. Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable

I say: you do you. Let the haters hate!