8 Things Every Tuscaloosa Girl Knows
Tuscaloosa girls are the best. This is a fact. What makes Druid City dames the greatest? We know what's up! Check out our list of the 8 things every Tuscaloosa girl knows.
- Tailgating is serious business. You don't just roll up to the tailgate in glorified pajama pants. I know girls who plan their tailgate look for weeks. No one is saying you have to wear dresses and pearls... but I am saying: don't be surprised when you see a ton of other ladies are.
- Your life expectancy has been reduced by at least a year. Why, you ask-- stress from roadwork. I read somewhere that being stressed out constantly takes years off your life, and it's impossible to be chill when there is roadwork literally EVERYWHERE in this city, so.... yeah.
- Never date a dude who tweets at recruits. You don't need that kind of Gumpin' in your life.
- Speaking of dudes, there are only two men with whom you'd trust your life: your dad and James Spann. Facts are facts.
- Calories don't count when you are at DePalma's. It's just science, so go ahead and get the balsamic pork loin AND the bread pudding.
- It's impossible to look flawless in the summer. I know y'all want to look fly year-round, but sweetie, it ain't happenin. Not now. It's like 823568365863 degrees outside, so just resign yourself to the fact that you're going to literally be a hot mess. Don't get all twisted about it thought, as the dudes here dig it. It's like those cheesy memes your nana posts to Facebook say: southern girls don't sweat, they glisten.
- You will need at least one excessively large hairbow. You or someone you know will have a daughter at some point, and it is an unspoken rule here that all females under the age of 10 require bows that look like a castoff Lady Gaga prop.
- Any man who won't let you talk football with him is not worth your time. Every Tuscaloosa girl knows this. I will never abide a man who assumes that my being a woman somehow renders me incapable of understanding the mechanics of the shotgun formation. It's 2018, bro. Women can watch sports now. Bite me.
- There are only two kinds of tea: sweet and trash. Look, I realize that hot tea is great and I feel you and respect that... but if you don't love sweet tea, I don't know how to help you.