Northport Man Savagely Attacked By Angry Group Of Birds

Northport, Alabama used to be so peaceful.

I AM THAT MAN BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY ANGRY BIRDS!

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Please, I know about that stupid video game.

It all started sweet and innocent a couple months ago, right outside my door.

A bird or two began building a nest.

How sweet.

Every morning and every night as I would leave my house, I would see two birds standing guard.

That's what it looked like. The two birds would sit a little ways down from the nest and watch.

I had no reason to think that later it would turn into a HORROR film.

As time passed, I noticed the two "guard" birds would get a bit more restless and noisy when I would come and go.

Then it all turned into a bird apocalypse!

I AM NOT EVEN JOKING.

These birds are evil. I swear, a couple of them were squawking in a demonic growl the other morning.

Birds everywhere!

Not just the same two or three birds from most of the last few months, oh no, it was WAY worse than that.

THESE BIRDS ARE ANGRY AND THEY ATTACK ME DAILY!

I can't just start shooting birds in Northport, right?

It seems like a couple dozen very angry birds have claimed my front porch and doorway.

If I come out early in the morning for work, ten of them fly at my face and make loud, terrifying sounds.

In fact, here is a video to give you a better idea.

*Video from Movieclips/YouTube "The Birds"

I may be slightly exaggerating here, but not much. I almost have a panic attack when I try to leave for work or come home.

They have taken over. I might as well let these angry FOWL beasts have my house and all the contents.

Is there anyone can help this Northport man being held hostage?

I found this nut in South Alabama that "scares birds away".

Listen to this fool below.

Yeah, I probably won't be hiring him anytime soon.