The Hater’s Guide to Louisville Cardinals Football

Game week is FINALLY here, y'all. A new season of Crimson Tide Football kicks off Saturday when Alabama faces Louisville in Orlando, Florida. What's the deal with the Cardinals? Let's discuss. Here it is: The Hater's Guide to Louisville Cardinals Football.

First things first: The Cards coach is way shady.

Bobby Petrino sucks. You know what his bowl record is? 5-6. That in and of itself is hilarious. You know what else is hilarious? His trainwreck of a personal life. Petrino coached at Louisville before bouncing to the NFL. He sucked there, too, and then got a prime SEC HC gig. Dude was SET as HC in Arkansas until he got caught sleeping with a volleyball player after wrecking his mid-life-crisis mobile/motorcycle. He coached at my alma mater, Western Kentucky University, for ONE SEASON before begging Louisville to take his sorry a*s back. This would all be very hysterical if it weren't so sad.

The Cards offense is going to be DOA.

Without Heisman winner Lamar Jackson, what even IS the Cardinal offense? Sure, their QB Jawon Pass (perfect QB name, btw) has skills, but he's no Lamar Jackson. How does anyone expect Petrino to be able to get together a game plan against Alabama's brick wall of a front seven when dude couldn't coach his way out of a paper bag?

Louisville fans are just... bless. 

They really thought they had a shot last season, which is both depressing and also kind of precious. The Cards failed to beat a single ranked opponent in 2017 and capped off their season with a loss to Mississippi State in the TaxSlayer Bowl. And that was WITH Lamar Jackson. How do these people think they have a chance against Bama?

Their facilities are quaint.

Cardinals Stadium, which until recently bore the name of famous Louisvillian "Papa" John Schnatter (LOLOL hot mess alert) has a seating capacity of... wait for it... 55,623. You could fit two of these baby "stadiums" in one Bryant-Denny. Their old (even crappier) stadium was near a railroad, so people still tailgate out of cabooses as an "homage" to the their roots.

The Cardinals belong to the Atlantic Coast Conference.

Everyone knows the ACC is a joke. Clemson is their only decent team, and even that is debatable. The SEC is the greatest conference. Facts. If I had to pick a second place (as much as it pains me to do so), I would give it to the Big 10. IDK if the ACC would even make my top 5. It's Sunbelt bad.

Everything about their team is second-best.

Bobby Petrino is only the HC because his NFL and SEC dreams crashed (literally). No one is REALLY a Louisville football fan anyway, as it's Kentucky and basketball is king there. It's like a way more boring version of Varsity Blues without peak-dreamboat James Van Der Beek and with 3 pointers instead of touchdowns. Hard pass.

Also their mascot is a bird.

OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH a Cardinal. How tough. No way anyone could take one of those down with a BB gun. And just look at the cracked out Muppet that is the actual mascot costume. Hilarious.

I'll leave you with their "season hype" video. I promise it's actually NCAA football and not some B-roll of a 3rd tier FCS team.